Back to School, Back to Reality

Next Tuesday, the kids will gear up and head to the bus to start a fresh new year of school.

For seven Septembers now, I’ve started the month in a complete panic, expecting everything to go wrong, mentally counting how many ways that I am not prepared. I’ve worried about forms and school lunches and uniforms and school supplies. I’ve struggled with who the new teachers might be and how my kids will react. I worried about the other kids at school and some of the not so nice things that sometimes come out of the mouths in front of my kids, some targeted and others completely random. I have been a bowl of jelly at the end of practically every summer.

Until this year.

This is the first year that I’ve ever been this relaxed about the start of school. And it was so different and so new that I didn’t even know how to put my finger on it. I kept trying to sort out what was terribly wrong, why I was feeling anxious about, well, not having anything to feel anxious about. And then it hit me: I have this feeling that everything is going to be okay.

And this is the part where I feel a little guilty.

You see, last year, in a fit of completely inexplicable inertia, I proposed a move. My husband and I had discussed a move for a number of years – and by discussed, I mean argued about, generally – and had always pushed it to the back on our “to really, really talk about some other day” list. But this year, things were different.

To begin with, I was tired. I was tired of things being so hard. Due to an odd sequence of events, our office leased was terminated after eight years and our building was completely demolished – not so much as rubble remains – within months so that it can be made into something much more alluring than a 1800s Gothic Empire stone building: something with neon lights and strip mall architecture and all of the charm of a Taco Bell or a KFC.

After unsuccessfully attempting to secure two leases locally – one of which was with a case of a man with more money (thanks to his father) than sense who couldn’t negotiate his way out of a paper bag and the other a sublease that turned into something of a bidding war (no thank you) – we opted for the sure thing: office space in the suburbs owned by my father-in-law. It was a win-win. He needed a tenant and we needed a space. And there was no funny business, no weird options, no crazy lease terms. We signed a lease and moved in within the space of a couple of weeks.

The downside was that it extended our commute. A lot. Gone were the days of walking to the office from my home. It was a now full on commute on the dreaded Schuylkill Expressway with road rage, gas prices and traffic jams. Not at all pleasant.

We toyed with moving a little closer but couldn’t bring ourselves to pull the trigger. School had already started. We were invested in our community, having lived in the same house for nearly 15 years. The kids were not on board with moving, as we had briefly discussed the idea before. It was settled, it seemed. We had a life, a routine.

But deep down, I wanted out. I felt suffocated and sad and beaten. I didn’t want to drive on the Schuylkill to work anymore. I didn’t want to have to accept the scratch marks on my car anymore as the price for parking on the street. I didn’t want to deal with surly customer service in exchange for culture (whatever that meant). I didn’t look forward to volunteering several hours per week in my child’s school because there weren’t enough aides or reaching into my pocket – yet again – to buy supplies for the classrooms, only to be belittled by other parents for doing so. It wasn’t the life that I wanted.

And so, one day, when I ran across an ad for a farmhouse in Chester County, I knew that I had to see it. I also knew that my husband would balk on principal. It would be, he would say, too expensive, too much of a stretch, too much of a change – and not the right time to do it. So I didn’t take him with me. I piled the kids into the car one day and, without making an appointment, I intended to simply drive by. Only I couldn’t just drive by.

It was, in a word, perfect. I sat in the driveway and looked at it and I knew. I knew this was where I wanted to be.

I waited for the whining in the back of the car.

“What is this place?” My oldest daughter asked the first question.

I decided to be honest, so I told her, “It’s a house I’m thinking about it. I was thinking maybe we could move.”

I braced myself. Kate, of all of my kids, was the one who had been the most vocal in years past about not wanting to move. It made sense. She had the most history in the old house. She had spent her entire life in that house, taken her first steps there, had her first birthday party there, experienced her first Christmas there.

Which is why I wasn’t prepared for her next words. “I like it,” she said. “Can we live here?”

And as crazy and surreal as it all seems, we went from that conversation to move in at our new home in less than a month.

We started at the new school the day we moved: October 22. It was a Monday. We slept over at my in-laws since the old house was completely packed. I dropped the kids off at school and drove to the old house to help the movers get everything together for the new house. It was an incredibly long day. And it was also the best day.

This year, the kids will be returning to the new school. It’s not so much the new school as their real school now. They are a bit nervous – as am I – but it’s about the things kids should be nervous about: new haircuts and what to wear, whether the backpack choice was exactly the right one. But all of that other stuff? It’s a distant memory.

On some level, I feel a little guilt. And that’s bizarre, right? But it’s true. For awhile I carried this feeling around that it was wrong to be happy about leaving. I felt conflicted because I didn’t want to make it seem like I resented my old life or that it had been a waste: nothing could be further from the truth. For all that there were things that were tough, I did love my old house and my friends and the life that I had created in my old neighborhood. And leaving wasn’t a reflection on them, but on me: I need to move on. I needed to find my new space.

I did find my new space. Nearly a year later, I don’t regret any of it. I still feel a little guilty – as if you’d expect anything different from a middle child from the South. I couldn’t have much more of a guilt gene if I tried. I always want everyone to be happy. And I loathe the idea that someone would interpret something I did as any sort of negative commentary about their own lifestyle.

But this move, it was really all about me (and my family).

And as the start of school creeps closer, I am filled with hope and good thoughts for the coming year. I can’t ever remember feeling this way.

I Can Do This


I’m back. I’ve missed writing. I mean, of course, I’ve been writing. But I’ve been writing about the law and politics and tax and business.

I’ve found that I’ve missed writing about my life, my kids, those little moments that make being alive worthwhile. That, of course, begs the question: why did I stop doing it in the first place?

I can’t put my finger on why I stopped, really. A lot of it was timing. Some of it was fear. But mostly, it was that I had simply lost my voice.

In the increasingly crowded blogosphere, I felt like I didn’t fit a niche. That is, you know, the key to the internet and blogging these days: everyone needs to be sorted and labeled for easy consumption. Well, here’s my upfront disclaimer: I don’t fit into one of those little packages so easily. I don’t have a compelling back story. There’s no rags to riches story. I didn’t struggle with fertility and I am neither the product of a divorce nor have I experienced one. I don’t have a terminal disease. I’m not a foodie or an urban gardener. I’m not particularly crafty. I don’t extreme coupon or offer tips to save the environment. And perhaps, worst of all in the blogosphere: my kids are remarkably normal.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not, in any way, denigrating my fellow bloggers who have written many wonderful narratives about their own struggles or provided poignant glimpses into lives that aren’t always so very straightforward.

But I think I have a place, too, and it has taken me awhile to get back to the space where I’m ready to write about it.

This is me. And I’m glad to be back.

American Gothic redux

Since we find ourselves on what I'll generously refer to as a “gentlemans farm,” I guess it's time to report on our farming activities.

There are none.

We have no animals – no pigs, no goats, no cows, and, much to the chagrin of the children, no chickens. In fact, since the untimely demise of the beloved family dog last November, we have no domestic animals not of the species homo sapiens. We have done some limited gardening but, to date, even those activities have been fairly limited. To be fair, much of that is due to the weather rather than our will to plant, and this week saw us plant six vines which will someday be expected to result in wine grapes and a single cabbage, now tweeting as @BonnieCabbage.

No, what we have done is start the process of cleaning out the various garden beds, sweeping the driveway, and just generally straightening up the place. And here's the remarkable part – I've actually enjoyed it. I've enjoyed the slow process of sweeping up and clearing around the edging along the driveway. I've enjoyed dumping all of the leaves and other lawn detritus in a big pile off in the woods, and seeing the pile grow as the driveway and yard looked better and better.

As former city folk, our supply of outdoor tools is limited, and more suited to a smaller property (to say the very least). While the spade we found in the barn was pretty useful, the aging wheelbarrow with the flat, decomposing tire was not. That said, other than a better wheelbarrow, I've enjoyed using decidedly low-tech tools to get the job done. In fact, I do have a leaf blower given to me by my dad when we moved here, and I have yet to use it.

No, I figure the best way to work this property – for now at least – is by hand. I need the exercise and the fresh air, the walk to the barn and to the leaf pile, and even the blisters. At some point, I'll no doubt pull out the leaf blower, or succumb to the siren call of the many mechanized yard implements at Lowe's. Hopefully, when that time comes, it will be because I've moved on to other, bigger projects.


Room to grow

We've made a lot of adjustments in the past four months or so since our move from city to the country, and we're nowhere near done yet. A big part of this move is opening up new possibilities, since we now have a lot more room to play with, both in a and around the house. Instead of trying to figure out where I can cram something in to our lovely but relatively small house, I now find myself struggling to decide where the best place is out of a large number of choices.

For example, the bikes are now in a stall in the barn, which is a godsend for a father used to schlepping them down stairs each and every time the kids have wanted to ride. The soccer net, which we never could have stored in the old house, is also in the barn because that's where it fits. Other things, however, aren't so clear, so I often find myself standing in the driveway trying to figure out which of three or four places now houses the push broom or the rake or some other not-quite household object. My tools, on the other hand, are still officially homeless, because I haven't decided quite where to put them (and because I haven't figured out how to get my workbench out of the basement in the old house).

I figure by the time we're ready to move I'll have found a home for just about everything.


A Little Birdie Told Me

A bird flew into my window and died today. It was startling. I was in the family room, heard the “thwack” at the window and saw the bird go down. It just laid there on the ground for a bit. And for some reason, it really freaked me out.

I thought about it for awhile and realized why it was bothering me. That little bird could see where it was going. Only things weren’t what they seemed at all. It hadn’t counted on the window. And that, of course, was its fatal mistake.

Life’s a little bit like that for all of us at times. We think we have it figured out and then, well, we don’t.

But that shouldn’t stop us from going new places, trying new things, chasing new opportunities.

It can be scary. It can also mean great things.

And that’s what we’ve done recently. New, potentially scary things. We relocated our business. We put our house on the market and moved to a completely new space. It was time.

Our friends thought we were crazy. And maybe they’re right. But it sure will be fun figuring it out.

Is this thing on?

Two months. I should be shot. But there’s been so much going on that it’s been tough to find time to write about the stuff that’s going on. Lame, I know.

So let me catch you up…

Dad still has cancer. Mr. Erb is still in the hospital (he did get out but now he’s back). The kids are still crazy. And it’s Africa hot here in Philadelphia.

That’s a pretty good summary.

But there’s some awesome stuff that’s happening, too.

I am happily at Forbes now. It has been terrific and I have found my tax writing groove again.

I may also have an agent. There’s some interest in my tax book so my next project is to plug away at making it presentable. Fingers crossed.

I’m still running, just not as much, since the weather has been so dreadfully hot. I’m signed up for a half marathon in October. Clearly, I have lost not only some weight but my mind as well. Depending on the day, my pace is decent. I’m coming in most of the time between 9 minutes and 9-1/2 minutes per mile, which is just great for me.

Lyle has been trying to reconcile himself to the fact that he’s no longer two years old. The heat has been terrible and being a black lab in the summer isn’t terribly pleasant, I guess. Lots of panting and drinking water. And trying to attack the cable man. But I digress.

The kids have been in various camps all summer but that’s coming to an end shortly. Our travel schedule picks up in August. Usually, I dread the back and forth but I am really excited about it this time. I need a change of venue.

The coolest thing about travel as of late has been getting to see my older brother. Without dwelling, I’ll just say that he had a period of time when he wasn’t as brotherly as he is now. It is great to have most of the family back together.

I’ve been working and traveling and baking and writing and gardening and doing so many things this summer, most of which I have thoroughly enjoyed. It has helped to pull me out of a fairly deep funk. And now, de-funkified, I promise that I will be better about sharing.

By Popular Request

I’ve been asked to share my running list again (really?). So here it is, as organized for the Broad Street Run:

  1. Always – Blink 182
  2. Back in Black – AC/DC
  3. I Will Follow – U2
  4. Check Yes Juliet – We the Kings
  5. Crazy Train – Ozzy
  6. New Classic – Drew Seeley
  7. Eye of the Tiger – Survivor
  8. The Saints are Coming – U2 and Green Day
  9. Come With Me – Diddy
  10. It’s On – Demi Lovato
  11. Mercy – Duffy
  12. Ray of Light – Madonna
  13. Lose Yourself – Eminem
  14. Closer to the Edge – 30 Seconds to Mars
  15. All I Do Is Win – DJ Khaled
  16. Rolling in the Deep – Adele
  17. Forget You – CeeLo Green
  18. Under the Pressure – Queen and Bowie
  19. We Made You – Eminem
  20. Thriller/Heads Will Roll – Glee
  21. Go West – Pet Shop Boys
  22. Tell Me – Diddy and Christina
  23. Raise Your Glass – Pink
  24. Runnin’ Down a Dream – Tom Petty
  25. Holding Out for a Hero – Bonnie Tyler
  26. Rocky Theme
  27. All Fired Up – Pat Benatar
  28. Fighter – Christina Aguilera
  29. Break the Ice – Britney Spears
  30. Till I Collapse – Eminem
  31. Beat It – Fall Out Boy
  32. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
  33. The Final Countdown – Europe
  34. I Love this Town – Bon Jovi