I haven’t been a good mom lately.
That’s not an opening for you to insert some kind of platitude about how it’s not true. I’m not looking for any kind of affirmation here about my parenting. It’s just the honest truth.
You see, I’m tired. There’s been so much going on, inside my head and outside in the big world, that I haven’t been all that attentive or thoughtful or hell, even considerate, towards my kids. In a word or two, I suck.
I completely get that some of it is justifiable. I’ve been lobbying against budget cuts, meeting with politicians, teaching CLEs, working, speaking for Career Day and for Law Day, baking cupcakes for school parties and Staff Appreciation Day… It’s all good stuff. And I think those things need and deserve some of my attention. But it’s not snuggling on the sofa with my kids. Or baking them cookies. Or chatting with them.
I got this today, in the deepest part of my gut, when I dropped the girls off at school. I was looking for the Fox News van (they were supposed to talk to some parents about the budget cuts) and didn’t even notice what the girls did. Eventually, I saw that Amy had run off to play with her friends, she’s social like that. And then I saw Katie by herself, looking a bit lost. I wandered over and asked her why she wasn’t playing with her friends B and C. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know, I just don’t want to.” And it hit me: I didn’t know either. I had not really asked her all week how she was. I hadn’t rubbed her back or put her hair in a ponytail. I had not asked her what kind of sandwich she wanted for lunch or how her awards day went (that I missed). I just rushed around her.
And I rushed around Ames and I rushed around Charlie.
I was completely and ridiculously selfish all week.
Again, not looking for sympathy. Please don’t comment that it’s all okay, that these things happen. I know they do. But they shouldn’t. When I had my kids, it was supposed to stop being all about me. And today, I remembered that.
The fact that you realized it, and that this is not a normal condition for your family? And that you are making plans to change it?
THAT is what makes ME think you are a good parent.