So let me catch you up…

Dad still has cancer. Mr. Erb is still in the hospital (he did get out but now he’s back). The kids are still crazy. And it’s Africa hot here in Philadelphia.

That’s a pretty good summary.

But there’s some awesome stuff that’s happening, too.

I am happily at Forbes now. It has been terrific and I have found my tax writing groove again.

I may also have an agent. There’s some interest in my tax book so my next project is to plug away at making it presentable. Fingers crossed.

I’m still running, just not as much, since the weather has been so dreadfully hot. I’m signed up for a half marathon in October. Clearly, I have lost not only some weight but my mind as well. Depending on the day, my pace is decent. I’m coming in most of the time between 9 minutes and 9-1/2 minutes per mile, which is just great for me.

Lyle has been trying to reconcile himself to the fact that he’s no longer two years old. The heat has been terrible and being a black lab in the summer isn’t terribly pleasant, I guess. Lots of panting and drinking water. And trying to attack the cable man. But I digress.

The kids have been in various camps all summer but that’s coming to an end shortly. Our travel schedule picks up in August. Usually, I dread the back and forth but I am really excited about it this time. I need a change of venue.

The coolest thing about travel as of late has been getting to see my older brother. Without dwelling, I’ll just say that he had a period of time when he wasn’t as brotherly as he is now. It is great to have most of the family back together.

I’ve been working and traveling and baking and writing and gardening and doing so many things this summer, most of which I have thoroughly enjoyed. It has helped to pull me out of a fairly deep funk. And now, de-funkified, I promise that I will be better about sharing.

1. Always – Blink 182
2. Back in Black – AC/DC
3. I Will Follow – U2
4. Check Yes Juliet – We the Kings
5. Crazy Train – Ozzy
6. New Classic – Drew Seeley
7. Eye of the Tiger – Survivor
8. The Saints are Coming – U2 and Green Day
9. Come With Me – Diddy
10. It’s On – Demi Lovato
11. Mercy – Duffy
12. Ray of Light – Madonna
13. Lose Yourself – Eminem
14. Closer to the Edge – 30 Seconds to Mars
15. All I Do Is Win – DJ Khaled
16. Rolling in the Deep – Adele
17. Forget You – CeeLo Green
18. Under the Pressure – Queen and Bowie
19. We Made You – Eminem
20. Thriller/Heads Will Roll – Glee
21. Go West – Pet Shop Boys
22. Tell Me – Diddy and Christina
23. Raise Your Glass – Pink
24. Runnin’ Down a Dream – Tom Petty
25. Holding Out for a Hero – Bonnie Tyler
26. Rocky Theme
27. All Fired Up – Pat Benatar
28. Fighter – Christina Aguilera
29. Break the Ice – Britney Spears
30. Till I Collapse – Eminem
31. Beat It – Fall Out Boy
32. Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
33. The Final Countdown – Europe
34. I Love this Town – Bon Jovi

That’s not an opening for you to insert some kind of platitude about how it’s not true. I’m not looking for any kind of affirmation here about my parenting. It’s just the honest truth.

You see, I’m tired. There’s been so much going on, inside my head and outside in the big world, that I haven’t been all that attentive or thoughtful or hell, even considerate, towards my kids. In a word or two, I suck.

I completely get that some of it is justifiable. I’ve been lobbying against budget cuts, meeting with politicians, teaching CLEs, working, speaking for Career Day and for Law Day, baking cupcakes for school parties and Staff Appreciation Day… It’s all good stuff. And I think those things need and deserve some of my attention. But it’s not snuggling on the sofa with my kids. Or baking them cookies. Or chatting with them.

I got this today, in the deepest part of my gut, when I dropped the girls off at school. I was looking for the Fox News van (they were supposed to talk to some parents about the budget cuts) and didn’t even notice what the girls did. Eventually, I saw that Amy had run off to play with her friends, she’s social like that. And then I saw Katie by herself, looking a bit lost. I wandered over and asked her why she wasn’t playing with her friends B and C. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know, I just don’t want to.” And it hit me: I didn’t know either. I had not really asked her all week how she was. I hadn’t rubbed her back or put her hair in a ponytail. I had not asked her what kind of sandwich she wanted for lunch or how her awards day went (that I missed). I just rushed around her.

And I rushed around Ames and I rushed around Charlie.

I was completely and ridiculously selfish all week.

Again, not looking for sympathy. Please don’t comment that it’s all okay, that these things happen. I know they do. But they shouldn’t. When I had my kids, it was supposed to stop being all about me. And today, I remembered that.

On the one hand, we’re told to be honest, to tell the truth.

On the other hand, we’re told to be nice and not to hurt anyone’s feelings.

These two things are not necessarily compatible.

Yes, I know that there are ways to use judgment to make it work. You don’t have to be brutally honest to the point of driving someone to tears (the ol’ “that dress makes you look ENORMOUS, what were you thinking?” level of honesty) nor do you have to volunteer information that might not be necessary (the “I wouldn’t have gotten that haircut if I were you” train of thought).

But there’s also that sort of corner that you get backed into every now and again when you want to speak up but you’re worried about hurting feelings. Do you say anything?

I did recently. And I felt immediately terrible afterwards. But later, when I was thinking about it more, I wondered whether the alternative would have been any better. Keeping quiet really would have been the same as lying. I was clearly expected to be sweet in order to soothe someone else’s conscience and I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Sigh.

It’s a tough balancing act, trying to be honest with yourself and still be nice to others. I don’t want to be a mean girl. But I also don’t wish to be that girl who gets used to further someone else’s agenda at my own expense.

So what do you do?

Yep, my last day with AOL’s WalletPop was on April 27. On May 1, I started writing for Forbes. You can check out my site here, subscribe to my feed here and follow me on Forbes by clicking here.

I’m so excited, I can’t stand it. And yes, a little braggy, too. But that goes without saying, no?

It’s been a trying couple of weeks. Not bad. Just trying.

First, a quick health check. My crew is fine. Both Charlie and Lyle got clean bills of health in the same week. Charlie’s exam involved a trip to CHOP to peek at his ears. There had been whispers about new tubes. Thankfully, that’s not going to happen.

Lyle’s exam was his annual check-up at the vet. He’s getting older (12 this year) and is clearly having some aging issues – slow to get up (though not to tear through the garbage, he does that just fine), depth perception difficulties (yes, usually at 4am when he wants to come hang out with us) and some serious panting. Fortunately, after some tests, the vet gave us the “all clear” and said that he’s just getting older. Quite frankly, I’m right there with him.

The extended family isn’t quite so well off. A little over two weeks ago, Chris’ dad went into the hospital with a high fever. We assumed it was his annual catheter-related infection. The following day, he was in ICU with organ failure. He was placed on a vent and dialysis, and sedated. The reports were not good. Needless to say, this caused quite a bit of stress around the Erb household, including with the kids. They adore their Opa. To be honest, so do I. Mr. Erb is just a wonderful guy. I know that a lot of my friends have issues with their inlaws but I can’t complain about mine. Both Mr. and Mrs. Erb have been nothing but gracious and lovely to me since the day that we met – heck, Mr. Erb introduced me to the martini (to paraphrase from Steel Magnolias, “That alone was worth getting married for.”). He likes to play in the dirt, as I do. He’s a straight shooter, which I appreciate (I can’t abide folks who make you figure out what they’re thinking). He doesn’t have the time or patience for nonsense. He and I have an odd connection – Chris always says that folks say you’re supposed to marry your mother and he married his father. I get that.

So, my fears crept up when the news kept getting worse day after day. And then, when Mrs. Erb got teary in front of me – which she’s never done in more than 15 years – my heart caught in my throat.

And suddenly, it was better. As in loads better.

Nearly two weeks after the drama began, after whispers about “next steps”, the news came back that he was coming off the vent. And just like that, the tenor changed from terrifying to hopeful.

Mr. Erb is still in ICU as I write this, but no more vent. He’s only sedated occasionally and can hold conversations with Chris and Mrs. Erb. He recognizes folks and can answer short questions. It is more than encouraging.

Chris will be back at the hospital again today. As he says, it’s actually more important to be there now than before, when he was sedated. Now, he’s awake and confined to bed, so some company helps. I’ll bet. I can only imagine that being stuck in bed is driving Mr. Erb nuts – we once nicknamed him “Houdini” for his attempts to leave the hospital after bypass surgery a few years ago.

Of course, that has all been happening while life is still going on. The kids have still had tee ball games, dance rehearsals and oh yeah, school.

Report card conferences came and went. Amy was very Amy, garnering super grades but not getting Honor Roll because of her behavior. Kate earned Honor Roll and in the Katie-est of ways, could care less.

There was more drama with Charlie than the girls. He is slated to enter kindergarten next year. Only the School District of Philadelphia has other ideas. We received a letter this week that kindergarten is officially to be half day (see efforts to stop this here). Yes, in fall. The amount of notice we’ve been given is generous (yes, insert dripping sarcasm here). Now, I get to scramble to make other arrangements. Most private schools have already closed their applications. Fortunately, Charlie’s preschool offers private kindergarten and I’m reasonably certain that it’s not too late to apply – so his application goes into the post this week. Sigh. I was so looking forward to having all of the kids at one place. One drop off. One pick up. It sounded so heavenly.

On the good side, in the middle of all of this, I ran the Broad Street Run. It’s a 10 mile race. I ran it with about 30,000 other people. And I finished. And I didn’t *just* finish, I rocked it (for me). My time – complete with bathroom break – was 1:35. That’s about 9 and a half minute miles for ten miles. I was so proud of myself, I couldn’t stand it (yes, I wore my finisher medal all day long). This from a girl who, just a couple of years ago, couldn’t run a whole mile. I have since lost 60 pounds and 12 dress sizes. Yep. On the day of the race, I squeezed into my Calvin Klein size 6 dress. I still have my size 18 suit jacket to remind me of my former self. I had actually stopped buying clothes after that jacket because I couldn’t bring myself to buy another size up.

It’s been a bizarre journey. Not just because of the weight loss but because there’s been a bigger transformation. There are lots of changes going on inside, too. I’ve become a different person. Or maybe not different. Maybe the same and I just express it differently.

At any rate, there are some major changes in my life right now. And some of them are apparent – new clothes, smaller boobs (don’t get me started), redder hair, another tattoo.

And some of them are not. But they are just as important. Maybe moreso.

• Tomorrow marks my last day at AOL’s WalletPop.com. This was my decision, not theirs. I tendered my resignation just before the end of tax season with 15 days’ notice. I am very grateful for the opportunity to work with such a great group of folks.
• I *might* be making an announcement about my next writing gig very shortly. Details forthcoming.
• Erbgarden.com is becoming erbfamily.wordpress.com.
• There’s something new in the works, too. Keep checking.

I don’t know if I just don’t have the “mommy gene” or what but my view of motherhood is apparently not the norm. I know this. I think I’ve always known this, even before I had kids. I could tell just watching other moms parent. It wasn’t my style.

When I had kids, I tried to fit in and I have failed miserably. I’ve tried to look like the other moms but I can’t. I’ve tried to do bake sales and play dates and hang out on the playground. And yet, I’m still on the fringe. I can’t help it. It is who I am. And perhaps it’s a bit selfish of me not to want to give that up. I just don’t remember the chapter in “What to Expect” that said you had to lose yourself in order to become a parent. I think men get that more than women.

So, for today’s Top Ten, here are the Top Ten Clues That I Don’t Have the Mommy Gene with the quick disclaimer that I madly, truly, deeply love my children. They are funny, smart, wonderful little people. I cannot imagine getting up every day and not seeing them (though I could go an hour or so without hearing them, if that’s alright).

1. I don’t like the smell of babies. Most of the time, they smell like poop and baby diapers. Spoiler alert: that “baby smell” is baby lotion.
2. Knock knock jokes are not funny. Well, mostly not funny.
3. Posed pictures with kids and inanimate objects are creepy.
4. I don’t carry a bag of toys in my purse to entertain my children every minute of the day. I have enough problem remembering my license and my keys.
5. I occasionally scream at my kids. Stare at me disapprovingly all you want. You either do it when no one is looking – or wish you did.
6. I drink in front of my kids. No, not all day long and not to excess. At dinner or a party. I think you can make a distinction between behaviors that are appropriate for children and those that are appropriate for adults without hiding the latter.
7. My kids don’t need anything – and I mean anything – enough to make me stand in line for it. And I sure as heck won’t plan my schedule around it.
8. I avoid McDonald’s and other fast food restaurants not to prove a point but simply because I don’t like the food. I don’t care what kind of toys they’re giving away.
9. I do not desire to be a chaperone on a class field trip. Ever.
10. A night out with the girls isn’t a trip to Target. It must involve a martini. And music.

I don’t have any illusions (delusions?) about what this list says about me, or at least how it is likely to be interpreted. In fact, it might explain why I usually end up going out with boys anymore. Sadly, I don’t think I’m “mom friend” material.